I've made peace with the falling leaves..

lover_lolita @ 2009-05-28T02:25:00

2009-05-28T06:27:37Z

I don't want to move away, and I don't want to grow old. I want to be 18 forever and live in this big red house with the pretty flowered trees and the overflowing ashtray on the back porch. I want to wake up every day in the same bed and stare at the same walls and cross the footbridge to get everywhere. I want there to always be laughter in the next room. I want, more than anything in the whole world, to call this place home forever.

Maybe I've never really experienced heartache until now.

RANDOM

2009-02-18T22:39:16Z

This is incredibly random, but if you haven't heard the following covers, you don't appreciate these songs nearly as much as you potentially could:

1. "Hey Ya!" as covered by Matt Pryor (The Get-Up Kids)
2. "Thriller" as covered by Ben Gibbard (Death Cab for Cutie, The Postal Service)
3. "Bitches ain't Shit" as covered by Ben Folds.

There's a lot more, but this will end up being a post about my favourite cover songs, but I just wanted to throw that out there. Also, there is a video on Youtube of Alanis Morrisette covering "My Humps." GOOD GOD.

Also also, I downloaded the Ben Gibbard cover album. If you don't own it, GET IT. You will not be let down. Cause really, what's better than Ben Gibbard singing some of the finest hits of Cyndi Lauper, the Backstreet Boys, or Avril Lavigne? Okay, definately his own music, but it is still a majestic happening.

That is all for now.

Ps, Finally saw Good Will Hunting. It's an incredible movie, however the Boston accents in it kill me. I live in Boston. People DO NOT sound THAT retarded. Regardless, it's probably the best movie any of those people will ever be in. Seriously.

lover_lolita @ 2009-02-03T17:12:00

2009-02-03T22:19:14Z

It's funny when the only thing that made you happy before is the only thing keeping you down in the present tense.

My life has come together. I know what makes me happy, what will pass, and what will never change, good or bad. This is going to be the year that everything will fall right into place. And I know that it'll really kick into gear soon, because as soon as the air turns warm, everyone turns electric and things HAPPEN.

Till then I've got a pack of cigarettes, a pot of coffee, and a hand to hold.

Nursing a hangover.

2008-12-29T05:11:45Z

I'm being a whiney, useless brat today because I am hungover and don't want to think about things. So here, have an icon update while I wait for Caitlin to come home.

But I can't see straight anymore.

2008-11-20T21:40:35Z

SO I got work done on my chest piece. We added lavender flowers and a banner on both sides, so after I get the colour filled in, my entire chest will be covered. I'm super pleased with it. 3 hours and some funny faces later, I was strolling out, no big deal. As I was getting redressed (I had to lose the top part of my shirt), there was a soldier in desert fatigues getting ready to get tattooed. He turned to me and said, "That must have hurt soo bad," and a bunch of the people in the shop chimed in that I took it like a champ, etc. I said thank you, of course, but it was more for the "You're in the military risking your damn head for some ungrateful people" moreso than "Yeah, I'm a trooper." It was chill. I'll post pictures soon.

We have no heat. It sucks pretty hardcore. There are six blankets on my bed, and I wore two pairs of socks to bed last nite. I love my little sleep cocoon. It's quite possibly my favourite thing in the whole world.

I'M GOING TO SEE TWILIGHT AT MIDNIGHT TONITE! I am still slightly pissed that Edward isn't being played by Gaspard Ulliel, but you know, whatever. It's not like Cedric Diggory is ever going to have a real career outside of teen cults (Harry Potter, Twilight) anyways. HAH, I kid. He's pretty cute. I mean, I'd do him.

I have a friday night off for once. It's crazy. I know of a bunch of parties and stuff that are going on too, so hopefully it'll be a good night.

My breakfast was hot chocolate with three shots of rum. MMM.

Just so you know.

2008-08-21T07:22:01Z

I know I have done a lot of bitching about her before, but I just wanted to say that I have the greatest mom in the whole wide world. She wrote me an email today just saying how much she loves me and that she respects all of my decisions and all that. The line that got me was that she said in it, "I really feel like you are the only person in this world who gets me." Cue the waterworks. I love her so fucking much. <3.

lover_lolita @ 2008-06-01T02:42:00

2008-06-01T06:52:13Z

Birthdays are seemingly just days. They go by like your average day. I don't feel any older. I'm still going to tell people I am 18. I don't want to be older yet. I'm not done being young and stupid.

I'm feeling increasingly inferior to everyone I know. I thought I had a handle on this. I guess bad habits just die hard. I guess the truth is that I am less than nothing to everyone.

I hate that everyone I considered a best friend to this point is no longer a part of my life. It's better to burn out than to fade away in all cases. Everything starts to be about Trying To Make Things Work.

I got my chest piece started today. It hurt like fuck, obviously. My parents are actually going to disown me. Not that they were ever that attached to begin with. But seriously. I'm sorry that I am disappointing them with my own happiness.

Speaking of which, there is no winning. I've tried so hard to make people happy. I opted out of a potentially dramatic rooming situation for the happiness of other people, and people actually got mad at me for it. I'm sorry that I know I am never going to be content with anything, and that I want you to be glad with the way things are turning out. I'm sorry that I suck so bad at trying to please everyone, myself included.

I'm sorry that I even exist.

I'm sorry that I've become someone that even I don't recognise.

I'm sorry that I'm sorry, but I can't help it. I feel incredibly guilty all the time and there is really not a goddamn thing anyone can do to stop this, unless you just want to kill me. I've obviously failed all the times I've tried it.

I'm sick.

lover_lolita @ 2008-03-07T19:05:00

2008-03-08T00:06:23Z

I got fired for something that was beyond my control. I hate my life. I have no reason to be here anymore. No one cares. Don't fucking shit yourself.

I love...

2008-02-17T06:11:10Z

... my roommates.

Guess who's bored.

2007-12-29T22:38:46Z

Another icon update because I am bored and this keeps me busy, a least for a little while. You're over it.

Seriously stopping now. Jesus christ.

Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place.

2007-12-28T04:48:25Z

I wrote this today:

"As I paint my nails burgundy to match the Carlo Rossi I was drinking the night before, I plan in my head how the interview for my waitressing job will go. It's a dumpy little diner down the street in the ever-classy Allston, Massachusetts, and my uncle knows the owner. I stop every so often to sip my coffee or to take a drag from my first Camel no. 9 of the day. Songs about lost love play from my laptop, and I am the first one up today. I got to take a hot shower. My hair straightener beeps to remind me not to burn the house down.

Outside the world is grey and cold, rainy and dim, not unlike any given day in December in New England. I pull a blanket around my shoulders to combat the cold, seeing as how college kids can't afford heat. Not that I am college kid, I remind myself, because I don't have the money for that. I look out the window at the snow that was once sparkling and white and sigh to myself.

And then it dawns on me. This is exactly what I wanted. I flash back to when I told my parents that I would be much happier living in the city serving coffee for the rest of my life then going to a four year college and being miserable for the rest of my life. I would prefer really living and getting enough experience to write a book then to sit at a desk and crunch numbers, not that I'm any good at math.

Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place."

I got the job. I've fallen for someone after thinking I couldn't. I'm actually HAPPY with where I'm at in life. :)

No more updates today, I swear.

Icon update!

2007-12-28T04:37:15Z

Icon update cause I found a lot of good ones, and cause I'm falling hopelessly.

lover_lolita @ 2007-12-10T20:27:00

2007-12-11T01:53:30Z

You don't get it. You clearly DO NOT understand the situation at hand. At all.

"You don't know the first thing about love because you don't understand compromise." - Closer.

Yup.

2007-11-29T20:11:30Z

Figured out what I want for christmas.

Belated, but taking a cue from Mary.

2007-11-23T23:29:12Z

What I'm thankful for:

1)My best friends. You lot keep me sane when I feel like the world inside my head is about to burst. I love you all.
a) Karen Taylor. You are wonderful, and I am so glad that even after all this time, we're still as close as we were.
b) Kristen Lehner. You are fucking crazy and I love you so much more for it. Who else would beat up all the boys that break my heart? Would else would cheat at pool and faux make-out with me?
c) Nicole Salvaggio. You are my strength, and one of the few people out there that understands where I am going from at any given moment. Please move back from Conneticut asap. I miss you terribly.
d) David Tyler. I am so glad we're pretty much the same person. If it weren't for our never ending text messages and singalongs, I would probably lose my fucking mind. I love you kiddo, and I always will.

2)My Grandmere, for being a continuing source of inspiration and strength. And also for teaching me that there is nothing wrong with being a stubborn French man.

3)Herrell's, for being a haven away from this house and the cold. And for having amazing coffee and employees.

4) The internet, for keeping me amused and and connected to the outside world in a really roundabout way.

5) Conor Oberst, for writing lyrics that make me feel like I'm not alone.

6) All the people, and boys especially, who came into my life and hurt me. Without you, I never would have realised that I deserve so much better, and that I am so much stronger than I ever thought I was. Thank you for proving to me that I AM a force to be reckoned with.

Don't break my heart, and I won't break your heart-shaped glasses

2007-11-13T05:03:40Z

So as I was saying to Erick last nite, I am kind of really bent out of shape about the whole thing with the boy. Still. I mean, I really thought he liked me. I thought I saw it in his eyes, in his smile. When he held me that first night, I finally didn't feel alone. I felt like everything was okay, and maybe I would be too. And now I feel like all of that was ripped right out from underneath me. There goes my dreams of being happy. Again.

I have an interview with Urban Outfitters. I really hope it goes well, cause I desperately need to do well/ have a job/ make money pronto.

I'm gonna go. Ciao.

We're not falling in love, we're falling apart.

2007-11-10T01:08:52Z

So I've finally accepted that he's just not that into me. I should have known better, but as usual I let my heart cross out my eyes, and I had to get hurt in order to learn. Someday maybe I will catch myself before I fall. Maybe someday I will realise that I should be more careful with my heart.

It makes me think of the scene in Charlie's Angels (bear with me here) where someone got dumped and they are saying that your heart is a muscle and like every other muscle you've got to exercise it so it will get stronger. It makes a lot of sense. I don't know if I can keep up with the exercise. Maybe my heart is just out of shape.

I kind of like another boy. I am being EXTREMELY weary.

Love is a battlefield.

lover_lolita @ 2007-11-06T02:57:00

2007-11-06T08:05:03Z

So there we are, sitting on the couch smoking the hookah and its like, 230 in the morning. I've got a mug of green tea and I'm balancing it on my stomach, craddling the warmth like a new born. There's an indie film on the telly and the lights are out. Mood lighting without the light. I'm wedged in between Kennen and Greg, and Erick is curled up on the chair. So there I am smoking the hookah and all of a sudden I am melting into the couch like the good old days and the bubble bubble of the water in the base is lulling me into a zen all its own. I am still nursing my tea, when I realise there is a chip in the mug. I glance down at it, but only long enough to look at the colour. The stern green mug is made of white ceramic, as I can see from the missing bit. It's smooth and almost soft, unlike it's exterior, which is hard and bumpy. I realise in that moment that I am the mug. I have a hard outter shell I use to protect myself from everything, but sometimes things like love and things like pain, so polar opposite, can chip it away to reveal the softer side of myself. I feel as deep as the mug at the mere thought, which isn't deep at all. Like magick, I am pulled back into the real world. It's three oclock, and I need to sleep before the couch and I become one in the same.

Wow. Thank you, brain.

I'm a fucking fool.

2007-11-02T06:24:38Z

I'm so fucking stupid sometimes. I really don't know why I ever trust people. Especially those that seem so worthy. This time is the last time. I can't afford to be hurt by humanity anymore. I'll take no prisoners. Watch your fucking back.

I started writing in my journal (obviously a real one, no offense lj) today during Math. I just got out a bunch of stuff that has been bothering me, and I'm glad I did. I still feel hurt, but it's a little bit better.

I think I might drop out of school. I think I might finish this semester and then get a fulltime job for a few months, and then go to Boston Language Institute to get my TESL/TEFL. I can finish that in about two months and then be set to teach. While the rest of the world is struggling through their four year get raped for money schools, I'll be working. Fuck that shit. Why would you even do that? It's not even rewarding.

Peace out. I hate the world.

Blahhhhhhhhhh.

2007-10-31T23:40:01Z

So as I am getting ready to head out for this all Hallow's eve, I decided it would be best to get some things out of my system so I can actually have a good night.

1) I'm starting to feel yucky. Dear god, this is not what I need. Please stop it.
2) I almost feel bad about skipping class tomorrow. Almost.
3) I really hope things go okay with you. Otherwise, I won't be skipping class tomorrow.
4) Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. You have done nothing but make me miserable since last friday and I refuse to stand for it anymore. I can't take this. I can't believe you have the audacity to ask me to move out of this room. Fucking prick. And that's not even the half of it.
5) Stop liking me. I don't like you.
6) Thank you for being one of my besties. Our constant text messages make me feel like I'm not going completely crazy.

The end.

lover_lolita @ 2007-10-28T13:18:00

2007-10-28T17:20:19Z

Uh-oh. Is that the sound of settling? Do you mean that much to me that I'd actually drop the walls to let you in? Prove it. Don't let me down. I want you. A lot. More than you know.

And as for you. Unnecessary attitude is real nice. Fahk off.

The past is only the future with the lights on.

2007-10-21T03:09:06Z

I should be studying for the midterms I will probably fail on thursday. I'm not. Are you surprised? I didn't think so.

Instead, I am sitting around doing nothing, as per usual. I don't know why i don't have more friends who don't live here. It makes me really angry. I guess I'm just not good enough. Are you surprised? I didn't think so.

I might venture on a walk. I need to be somewhere else. This is going get harder during winter when it is cold all the time. I'll be cooped up for days, weeks, months on end with nothing more than these four walls.

I'm going crazy.

lover_lolita @ 2007-10-14T00:54:00

2007-10-14T05:30:57Z

I don't even know if I'm me anymore. And if I'm not me, then who am I? Who am I to you?

"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined efforts of everyone I've ever known."

This entry does not do justice to how I really feel.

This time is the last time.

2007-10-11T03:05:48Z

So I've decided to give myself a health makeover. It's getting cold, and this is no time to have a fucked up body. I'm always tired and my immune system sucks, which is no good considering it is getting to be that time of year when everyone I know is perpetually sick. Especially when I take public transit twice a day, five days a week, if not more, and I am sharing a school with WAY more people than I was before. Ew.

There's really a few areas that need overhauls, so here we go. This is my plan of attack.

How to get Amanda healthy.

Sleep.
1) I need to start getting at least 8 hours of sleep a night.
2) As much as I hate to do it, I have to stop taking naps. It's fucking up my ability to sleep.
3) I need to get myself in a calmed down mental state and prep for sleeping. This means that I need to get any troubling thoughts down on paper, talk about them with insightful people, or lj it up.

Bad Habits.
1) I'm going to cut back on smoking. True, I don't really do it that much, but now I am going to limit it to just when I am at social gatherings.
2) I'm going to cut back on drinking. True, I don't really do it that much, but I am going to cut it down to just a few drinks at social gatherings, and I will not get drunk.
3) This isn't really a health thing, but I feel that I should cut down on swearing.

Caffeine
1) I need to cut down on my caffeine intake. It's killing my energy.
2) More tea, less coffee. Simple.
3) Coffee/ sf energy drinks can only be consumed during times of crisis, such as finals, or papers.

Food. (Be forwarned that this is going to be a lot. I don't care what you think of my body.)
1) Food will be limited to two meals a day (breakfast and dinner) with a snack of some kind in between.
2) Said meals will be balanced meals, not just "some kind of bread."
3) Going back to be vegetarian. No more meats of any kind.
4) Eat healthier. Obviously more balanced, but also more organic. The more pure the food, the less my body has to process. Yay.
5) Go back to a normal weight. (Hopefully all of the above will help.) I can't do this anymore. I need to get down to my usual weight. AVOID THE FRESHMAN 15. NOT SO MANY CARBS!
6) Vitamins? I'm looking into it.

Mental.
1) Write more.
2) Reflect more. Talk to yourself.
3) If it starts to get to be too much, ask for help. Swallow your pride.

So that's it. If everyone could just see to it that I stick with the program, I would really appreciate it. If anyone else wants to overhaul their life using any of that, go for it. Also, I know way more about food than most people should. If you are joining me and want help, or just want to know more about things of the sort, feel free to ask. The only stupid questions are the ones that aren't asked.

xXx

lover_lolita @ 2007-10-07T04:05:00

2007-10-07T08:14:40Z

I would slap that look right off your beautiful yet incredibly smug face if given the chance. I'm a fucking human being, not just another test subject. Stop using me against myself. If I didn't care so much for you, I would play your game, but I know I'm better than that.

In other news, hurray for October. Today was good, minus puking from alcohol for the first and last time at 4 this morning. Wonderful.

I need to get in shape ASAP. Someone remove my digestive system. Thanks.

Did you know I miss you?